Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
