Got a toothbrush?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
