youre lurking in front of me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
