Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
