you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
