I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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