Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
