You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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