Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
