Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
