I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
