Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
