What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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