Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
