omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
