No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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