I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
