I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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