Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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