I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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