i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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