I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
