And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
