Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You've changed since you got that strap on
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
