I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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