I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
