I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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