theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
