I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
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On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
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The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm too high and old for this...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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