For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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