allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
