going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
