I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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