Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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