thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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