I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
