Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
