who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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