I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
