Umm I'm too high to move.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
