DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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