Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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