I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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