Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
