haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
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