I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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