He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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