Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
