You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
