Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
