batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
