they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
