the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
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Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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