she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
