please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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