so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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