Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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